Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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