I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
