Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
