just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
