i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
