you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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