just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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