Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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