so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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