i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
