1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize
