I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
