guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
