please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
