I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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