Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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