The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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