Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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