Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
