I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
