need another drink. this is the easiest way
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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