i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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