so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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