Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
