I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
