My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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