I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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