Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I've blown a few things in my day
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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