Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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