im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
