Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
