ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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