Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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