Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
