I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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