what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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