im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
