My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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