I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
