I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
