6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
