I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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