So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
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