I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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