uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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