I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
