I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
So squirting runs in the family.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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