When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
