I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
