Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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