I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I am spending my child support on dildos
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
