Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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