i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
